Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Grandmom

And here's a photo of the Thomas Matriarch-

Margaret Ink

Thought I would post a photo of the tribute to Margaret inked by Melanie Nead of Icon Tattoo in Portland, Oregon. If only Kevin wore wife beaters.. we'd be able to see it more often!

Don't Trust Anyone Over 30

Okay, first a disclaimer. I'm putting my full trust in the confidentiality of Don't Tell Margaret. I don't mind all the cuzin's out there hearing some dirt. But if the information contained in the following post ever got out among the assorted Aunts and Uncles, well, lets just say I'd deny everything, blame it all on Jenni, and head for some secluded island where I could earn my living playing happy hours under my new stage name, Master Davidson.

In my family, we've always had a no snitching policy among the siblings. This is a major problem on the streets of Philadelphia these days (my east coast readers should get the reference), but it's always served us siblings well. In fact, in all these years, not one of the four of us has ever violated the pact. Not to my knowledge, anyway.

As a teenager, I believe I benefitted the most from our no snitching pact. Ann was already older and on her own, Ed pretty much did whatever he wanted to anyway, and Mare was still a baby and years away from any kind of shenanigans. So that left little ole' me, 14 going on 40 and up to my eyeballs in all things trouble.

Which brings me to our family vacation to Fort Lauderdale, Florida, in the fall of 1982. Ann was going to college at The Art Institute of Fort Lauderdale (located on the beach on the bottom floor of the Holiday Inn! It's true, you can ask her), and my Mom and Dad decided to visit for a few days. They were probably worried sick about Ann's living situation and wanted to see for themselves what she had gotten herself into. Of course, this is only speculation on my part. My parents never revealed their true motivation for our vacation destination.

Anyway, our traveling party consisted of me, Mom, Dad, and Marybeth, who was only about 17 months old at the time. Ed was 17 and stayed home to have a party on Palm Road (but you didn't hear that from me - remember, no snitching). So there I was, a teenager stuck in a hotel room with his parents and his baby sister. Needless to say, I was restless and bored, not to mention suffering from nicotine fits as I had taken up smoking the year before. I was desperate for a little freedom and looking for any excuse to break away from the pack. I found the perfect opportunity one night when my parents were dropping Ann off at her apartment after dinner.

"Please Mom, please can I stay at Ann's tonight" I begged. "I don't want to stay at the hotel. The bed's not comfortable and Marybeth wakes me up in the morning and Dad snores and I'd love to catch up with Ann some more and ..." or some such shit. I really don't remember what I said to convince my parents it was a good idea to stay at Ann's that night. All I know is that Ann (God bless her) said it would be alright with her, and my parents relented and agreed. And this is where the story gets good...

Surprise # 1 - Ann did not live alone. My parents had come in briefly to see Ann's apartment before returning to the hotel. This is when I did all my begging and pleading. When they finally left, to my utter astonishment, a man jumped out of the bath tub screaming "What the fuck!!". It turns out that Ann was living with her boyfriend, Tim (who later became her first husband), and had neglected to tell anyone. When Tim heard all of us coming down the hall, he panicked and jumped into the bath tub to hide. Everything was cool, though. Tim turned out to be an awesome guy, he offered me a beer and a cigarette, and I thought "Thank God I escaped the prison that was a hotel room with Mom and Dad!".

Surprise # 2 - Ann was expecting company. We were hanging out for about an hour, drinking beer, talking, and listening to music, when we heard a knock at the door. Tim seemed excited, jumping up saying, "There he is!". Ann went to answer the door, and a moment later came walking into the living room with - wait for it - Uncle John Thomas! (I'll pause a moment to allow you to pick up your jaw from the ground .......okay) It turns out that Uncle John had been in Fort Lauderdale for about a week at a convention for Scott's Paper and had hung out with Ann and Tim the previous few nights. They made plans to hang out that night, too, but they hadn't counted on a certain 14 year old kid crashing the party.

Needless to say, Uncle John acted weird when he saw me. He didn't really know what to do or say, and the first fifteen or so minutes that he was there were awkward, to say the least. There was a lot of eye contact and hand gestures between Ann and Uncle John when they thought I wasn't looking, and I could hear hushed whispering between them all when I went to the kitchen for another beer. Ann was the one to finally break the tension. "This is ridiculous", she said out loud, "I'm telling you, he's cool". Uncle John looked skeptical. "Are you sure?", he asked, and I could tell he was nervous. "Trust me, he's cool". And before I knew it, Uncle John pulled out a big bag of weed and started to roll a joint on the coffee table.

What a fun night. After we smoked a couple joints, Uncle John loosened up immensely. He was actually very cool to hang out with. Warm, funny, engaging, he didn't treat me like a kid at all, which meant alot to me. The night ended with handshakes and hugs and promises to keep this night just between us. I left Fort Lauderdale with the impression that me and Uncle John had a new understanding, that our relationship had somehow reached a different level.
Boy, was I wrong.

The next time I saw Uncle John was about a year later. We came to Prospect Park to visit Grandmom and Grandpop (big Bill was still alive then), and Uncle John came by the house. I knew something was wrong right away, just by the way he acted around me. It was the same way he acted in Florida when he first arrived; nervous, cagey, unsure. I wanted to reassure him, to put him at ease, to promise him once and for all that I wouldn't tell Margaret. I waited until he went out to the garage by himself, and I followed him out. "Uncle John", I began, "about that night in Florida....". That was as far as I got. He turned around, grabbed me by my shirt, threw me up against the wall of the garage, and got right in my face. "Listen, you little shit. There was no night in Florida! Got it? Never happened. And if you ever breathe a word of this to anyone, I'll find you and kick the shit out of you!".

Well, I never did breathe a word to anyone. Until now. My relationship with Uncle John was never the same. He tried more than once since I became an adult to warm up to me, but the damage was done. I can forgive, but I'll never forget. Years later, at Jimmy O'Malley's wedding, in fact, I was standing at the bar with Ann, Ed, cuzin' Marty, Uncle Mike, and Uncle John, when Uncle John himself told the story of that fateful night in Florida. When he was finished, Ed and Marty both said in unison, "I never knew that". Uncle John looked at Mike, and he just shrugged his shoulders. "I never knew that either". Uncle John was incredulous. He leaned into me and said, "So you really never told anyone?" I simply said, "No", and walked away. I wanted to say, "No asshole, I can keep a secret. Didn't Ann tell you I was cool?", but I didn't. I had learned my lesson from this a long time before. Sometimes, a 14 year old kid is more trustworthy than a 30-something adult.

christmas in october

Okay, so I previously mentioned that my family has some juicy stuff going on that will have to wait for the Christmas letter. It's just, if I'm really hoping all of you will share the good dirt, it feels hypocritical to hold back on my own. So here goes...

Perhaps you've already surmised from our newest poll that one of my siblings was recently in jail. Poor Bad Boy Billy, my bipolar brother, was in the pokey - again. His adventures with the authorities began a mere four months ago when he inadvertently went off his meds for a number of weeks. This oversight didn't come to light until the month ended and his bottle of Abilify was strangely still full... Anyway, he was ultimately hauled away in handcuffs for smashing his work truck into his family van - something he did to punctuate the end of a marital spat. It turns out it is a felony to significantly damage your own property (who knew?) but the felony charges were ultimately dropped and he was excused with probation and a course in anger management.

So he quickly got back on his meds, started going to his classes (having our dad help him with his homework - just like in school - Dad liked to joke that having to do Billy's anger management homework was making him angry...), and everything was fine and dandy. Or so we thought. We've heard since that he had confided in friends that his meds weren't exactly doing the trick anymore. He finally shared this with his doctor on Thursday and his doctor upped his dosage and recommended a bit of R&R in the loony bin. Well, before he had a chance to check himself in, Billy got sidetracked and angry and, well, downright scary and so he ended up in the back of a police cruiser again.

I haven't talked to my brother yet (he just got out last night), but if he had any advice to offer any of his potentially felonious cousins, I'm pretty sure he would recommend that you avoid getting arrested on a Friday. Had he been taken in on Thursday night he could've been arraigned Friday. Instead he had to wait until Monday. Hopefully he got plenty of rest at least...

My husband, who works with the criminally insane, offers one more piece of advice - taken straight from the mouths of his patients. If you're going to be both crazy and criminal, it's best to move around a lot. Accumulating a lot of charges in one state is way worse that collecting various charges in a number of states. They would know. That's how they all ended up under court ordered hospitalization. Somehow, though, I don't see Bad Boy Billy pulling up his roots and relocating so I must say I'm more than a wee bit worried for his future.

But for now we're back to normal. Sounds like the charges were dismissed, though he was already on probation so I'm not sure how that works...

In the meanwhile, it seems like we may soon see our first east coast bloggers. I've just got to send out an instructional email and wait and see. Exciting times.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

don't tell aunt kathy...

Okay, clearly this whole Don't Tell Margaret thing is off to a slow start. But that's okay. I'm not giving up. I understand. I barely find time to maintain my own blog, and I have all the time in the world. And I recognize that not every family was raised to over-share as my own family does. Further, I totally get it that certain things just should not be broadcast over the internets. Right now, my own clan is weathering a bit of a juicy crisis, but it will just have to wait for the Christmas letter. Even there I will have to choose my words carefully. Talking to my mom, I told her I was begged to leave this particular topic out of the letter, and she responded adamantly, "Oh, no, it's going in the Christmas letter, all right!"

Anyway, I can't wait until the day I discover the first post from the East Coast. In the meanwhile, perhaps I can entice you with some appalling evidence about just how under informed your West Coast cousins are.

For instance, though I knew that Aunt Mary's recently had back surgery, I had no idea that Aunt Jane's been fighting thyroid cancer - that is, until my parents decided to mention her recent efforts to address her brain aneurysm. This, of course, I also knew nothing about. I figured she got all of her health troubles out of the way with her whole breast cancer thingy. And even that I scarcely followed, I just know it was more of a duct issue than a classic tumor situation. I feel particularly bad I am so behind on the details as I've become a bit breast-centric myself, having just recently joined the ranks of the mammogrammed.

Anyway, thanks in part to Aunt Mary's incapacitation, it seems that Aunt Kathy has been spending more time taking care of our beloved matriarch, Margaret. This is where today's story begins.

As most of you know, my dad is the family Democrat. I know, it's kind of strange, as so many Catholics remain staunchly Republican if for no other reason than that whole pesky abortion angle. But my dad, he's very good at compartmentalizing. So it works for him. And frankly, it works for me. I have not been bitten by the political bug like my dad and my brother (who mock me for my very loose association with current events), but I went to Berkeley. I love myself a good liberal.

So, of course, this is a very exciting time around the Thomas household. If my dad and Kevin could will Obama into office using their very large brains they would totally do it. In fact, I sort of think they believe they can, cuz trying to talk to them about anything else is pointless these days.

What you might not realize is that Margaret herself is actually an Obama fan. I know. Shocking, right? Except it's not shocking to me at all cuz I swear I once interviewed Margaret (18 years ago when I was an undergrad) about her opinions on women's rights and, specifically, about abortion. I was surprised then to find that she was more than a wee bit pro-choice. My dad insists I must be wrong about my recollection or that she must have misheard the questions, but I swear to you it was very clear at the time. Perhaps my dad got his compartmentalizing skills from Margaret? Besides, even if Margaret totally openly embraced abortion, I'm sure God would forgive her. She's totally on his good side. Anyway, I suspect the truth is that my survey questions were inherently flawed. I'm pretty sure they were structured in such a way that you either had to answer pro-choicedly or come off sounding like a total douche bag.

Whatever.

So, as the story goes, my dad recently mailed his mom a photo of Obama. When he called her (as he does, I think, practically every night), he asked her if she'd received it yet. She was, it turns out, in the presence of Aunt Kathy. Not wanting to upset her daughter, Margaret answered that, yes, she had gotten it, but she, "had to H-I-D-E it." Um, don't tell Margaret, but I'm pretty sure Aunt Kathy can spell. And if she can't spell, well, then don't tell Aunty Kathy, but Margaret's voting for Obama.

Friday, August 29, 2008

i confess

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. It has been nearly two decades since my last confession. Covering all that ground could really take a while so I'll just stick to the highlights.

I totally corrupted my little brother. I taught him curse words when he was a toddler, got him stoned before he turned 12, convinced him to bite a soap fish in a store for a dollar (which he promptly had to use to buy a soda to wash the taste town), and I once recruited him to help me steal a McDonald's Teenie Beanie Baby from a thrift store.

I do not think there are enough Hail Marys in the world to save me.

I also totally plan to lie about my weight when I renew my driver's license and passport.

If you've got something you want to get off your chest, but you don't want us to know which cousin you are, feel free to log in to our fancy new anonymous gmail account. It's "donttellmargaret@gmail.com" (of course) and I'll send you the password if you email me.

Too tired to think of a good title...

Hey cousins!

Well it's 5AM and I have been at work for 11 hours... finishing up 5 of 6 work nights in a row.. my shift, when I return tonight, will be my last one for 19 whole days! It's vacation time at last... It's been a relatively slow night so I just checked my email and saw what my sis has been up to.. I really hope you East coast cousins participate! I feel detached from everyone these days and would love to read about any cool or mundane stuff that is going on in your lives.. I unfortunately have few memories of the "Don't Tell Margaret Night" in that lovely Center City Philly Holiday Inn- I believe I missed out since I retired early because I wasn't in the mood for drinking..Oh well.

I think that trip was the last time I was out East..And it was the same visit where my sister accused me (and still does) of dragging her on a 'Death March'. I remember it was really hot and we walked down to South Street for some Philly cheesesteaks. There was supposed to be a big purple tourist bus that was free (or cheap) that I planned on taking back to our hotel.. but we never saw it.. even though I thought it ran 7 days a week ..Erik had Grace on his back for the trek and wasn't happy about it. They still don't believe that I didn't intend for us to walk so far.. but I never saw a cab and that purple bus was nowhere to be found. I also remember visiting the Liberty Bell and I have a picture of Cousin Bob sharing gelato with Grace. Sadly, I can't remember if these memories are from the same day or not! (Nanny's alzheimers or sleep deprivation?... time will tell)

Next week Grace and I will be touching down again in the City of Brotherly Love...(can't wait to eat an authentic Philadelphia pretzel!).. I am excited that we will get to see Margaret again. I was worried her 90th Bday would be the last time- and she proved me wrong. I am happy she will get to know Grace as a kid instead of a baby. Because Grace is a pretty cool kid..

Our time in PA will be limited however as we are jetting off to visit NYC and then London! You may think "wow, that must be nice" but I have only ever stayed overnight in NYC once when I was a teen and stayed in the hotel where Sid Vicious killed his girlfriend Nancy. I remember the cockroaches all over the walls scurry when the lights were turned on. This time I am staying 4 nights in a decent (hopefully) apartment on the Upper East Side near Central Park and will be spending quality time with my oldest, dearest friend Sheila (who happens to also be Cousin Bob's sweetie).. And I haven't been to London in 19 years.. The London part of this trip came recently when I decided it would be worth it to see a favorite musician perform there.. The timing was right- I am already on vacation and halfway to London.. Of course the musician (Kimya Dawson) lives in Olympia, Wa (yes, a mere 40 min away) but to me this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. So we are going to spend 4 nights in London and go to the London Zoo, the London Eye, go on a double decker bus tour, check out the Camden Markets and see Kimya Dawson perform. Needless to say, I am EXCITED!!!

Well my replacement will be here in minutes so I better sign off....

xoxo
Cousin Suz